Wow, sorry to be getting this to you three days late, but I've actually had a life for the past few days. Performing in the pit for musicals takes a lot of time and effort.
... and it's been, like, 90 degrees for the last few days and the last thing I wanted to do was sit in my stuffy room with a computer running.
Anyway, my ex-CS friend just so happens to be playing the character Antoine in "The Baker's Wife", so if it wasn't for his reminder on Saturday night, we might have forgotten to go to church at all. Pity, we might go to Hell... oh wait, we're already going there anyway.
Saint Paul's Episcopal Church
Jesus Count: Moderate
Friendliness: Low-Moderate
Size: Moderate
Babies?: 3 or 4
Length: Hour and a half
Sermon
Music: Enjoyable
First off, Episcopalians are like Catholics twice-removed. The Catholics, as you likely know, were the dominant religion up 'til Martin Luther and his 95 Theses started the shift from Christianity being "The Church" to being any of fifty thousand denominations on every street corner in the United States.
King Henry the VIII, a devout Catholic who wanted to divorce his wife but, because of the Pope, couldn't, separated from Rome and became the head of the Church of England, or the Anglican Church.
Naturally, when the English set up colonies in New World, the Church of England got its own foothold there as well. Of course, when the treasonous colonies decided to become their own United States of America, all the members of the Church of England were in a bit of a bind.
And that's how we get Episcopalians. They shed their ties to England and became, essentially, Anglicans in America... or, like, Catholics who happened to be living in England and moved to the New World and got stuck in a LOT of politics.
Anyway, Saint Paul's Episcopal Church had a chapel that reminded me of the inside of a particularly cozy log cabin/town hall from the early 1800's, and their mannerisms and rituals were definitely similar to the Catholics... but maybe I only think that because I knew they were Catholics twice-removed.
I can't help it. I still get this visual of Davy Crockett wearing a Pope hat.
Jesus Count
They talked about preserving and spreading the "Christian Faith". If that counts as saying "Jesus" then the Jesus Count is a lot higher than Moderate.
Friendliness
While I first thought that having the congregation greet all the people around them was social and friendly, the bland and mundane "Peace be with you" thing gets really old, really fast.
Really, I'm not feeling welcomed anymore when eight people all shake my hand and say "Peace be with you" with THE SAME FREAKING INFLECTION, expecting me to give the scripted "and also with you" response. If I wanted that kind of friendliness, I'd have a conversation with the USAA automatic voice:
USAA: Welcome to USAA! Please say or enter your USAA number, followed by the # key.
Me: Actually, I'm more interested in talking about my week, if you don't mind. I've been rediscovering my love of the performing arts and...
USAA: ... please enter your social security number.
Me: AAAAAAAH!!! You can take my soul but you can't have my SSN!!!
Size
The pews were, like, only a third or so full, but it the building could definitely hold quite a few people. Unlike at the Crystal Cathedral or the OLA Catholic Church, I think my ex-CS friend and I could have fought our way out if the congregation learned we were Atheists.
Babies?
... there was a baptism. It scared me.
The pastor had all the children come up to the front where they all crowded around a big bowl of water. The children put their hands in and moved the water around, in symbolic remembrance of some Bible story, and then...
... they took the poor infant over to the bowl, said a bunch of mystical and nonsensical religious mumbo-jumbo, scooped up some water in what looked like a hand-sized sea shell, and dumped it over the infant's head...
... three times.
Everyone on the congregation had these stupid smiles on their faces. "Aww... look at the cute little baby CRYING AND SCREAMING after having water dumped over its head three times while being held by a guy it doesn't know and being surrounded by a bunch of children it doesn't know..."
Maybe it warmed their heart, but it really bothered mine. I'm the Atheist; aren't I supposed to be the heartless one?
Length
I'm betting the service was supposed to be only an hour. The Infant Torturing probably added the extra half hour.
Sermon
I confess, now that I'm three days removed from the sermon, I can't quite remember a lot of what it was about.
I remember the speaker said something about some Communist Russian guy, under Stalin's regime, who gathered a bunch of Christians and "preached Atheism at them for an hour", after which one "brave" man shouted out triumphantly, "Christ is risen!" Then the audience responded "Christ is risen, indeed!" and were likely executed.
The only reason I even remember that part of the sermon was because I thought the Communist Russian guy in the story was a lightweight. Only an hour? I can go on longer than an hour!
Music
Episcopalians, like the Catholics, still use monophonic chants during their services and, pleasantly, even used the archaic Antiphon-Psalm-Antiphon form for some of their hymns.
Their hymns were very modal, which made them waaay more enjoyable than the boring hymns you're most familiar with and INFINITELY more enjoyable than that vile Christian Rock.
Musically, as well as ritually, Episcopalians are obviously of Catholic descent.
Conclusion
Well, ignoring the Infant Torture part, I found the service to be satisfying. We weren't damned to hell like with the Baptists, but we were still referenced, which is always fun to hear.
If anything, I think I enjoyed the Episcopalians more than I did the Catholics, if only because of the music. Admittedly, this might be because I didn't go to the 8 a.m. "Traditional" Catholic service, which I'd likely enjoy just as much, if not more.
It's like there are three main types of Christianity: The edgy "sinners burn in Hell like they deserve" churches, the "play nice in the sandbox and let's not talk about Hell 'cause we only wanna be nice" churches, and the "watch me wave my arms and speak in fancy dead languages and use ancient music techniques" churches.
So, to recapitulate:
1st type: "Burn in Hell, unbeliever!"
2nd type: "We are Christ's children. Love your neighbor. Blah Blah Blah."
3rd type: "Absolve, Domine, animas omnium fidelium defunctorum ab omni vinculo delictorum et gratia tua illis succurente mereantur evadere iudicium ultionis, et lucis æterne beatitudine perfrui."
Upcoming Churching Adventures:
April 26th - Community of Christ (RLDS)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
... I guess the Schwartz is stronger than I thought
Well, I would like to formally retract my rant about "The Baker's Wife", and would also like to explain why.
First, my issue was with a musical I had only seen once and, more importantly, only seen in between songs, which obviously skews my perception of the musical. This means that, if any CRUCIALLY IMPORTANT THINGS happened during the songs, I didn't hear them; I was too busy playing the old licorice stick.
I'll assume you read my previous rant.
Having now seen "The Baker's Wife" five times, and having looked up the lyrics to the songs "Proud Lady" and "Meadowlark", I have a very different view of the musical. Let's get to the real points that changed my view. They are:
1) Pompom, the Baker's and Baker's wife's cat
2) "Proud Lady"
First, Pompom. Pompom serves a kind of symbolic literary purpose; she is there in the beginning of the musical with the Baker and his wife and, once Dominique enters the scene, runs away, is found stuck in a tree, runs away again, and returns once Genevieve leaves Dominique and comes back to the Baker.
After meeting Dominique, Pompom is nowhere to be found and, when Genevieve is with Dominique, she sees "a girl with a cat that looks just like Pompom"... at which point she sings "Where is the Warmth?" and, just like with the Baker earlier, get's up and runs away.
Regarding "Proud Lady", which is the song Dominique sings after meeting Genevieve, he betrays the real message of the musical:
Anyway, you can easily see how Dominique is suddenly not the perfect match for Genevieve anymore. After actually hearing the lyrics, instead of just the spoken dialogue, it's painfully obvious that the musical does resolve its conflicts.
Instead of my previous idea (that Genevieve was discontent with her marriage, met a guy she liked, and was forced back into her first relationship out of religious guilt), I now see the musical for what it really is. Genevieve starts out in the "perfect marriage" (the "perfection" of which I disagree with) but takes it for granted and, after running off with Dominique, discovers what she really values in a man and returns to her original situation, now valuing it more than before.
So there, I officially change my mind. "The Baker's Wife" isn't riddled with misogyny like I thought it was.
First, my issue was with a musical I had only seen once and, more importantly, only seen in between songs, which obviously skews my perception of the musical. This means that, if any CRUCIALLY IMPORTANT THINGS happened during the songs, I didn't hear them; I was too busy playing the old licorice stick.
I'll assume you read my previous rant.
Having now seen "The Baker's Wife" five times, and having looked up the lyrics to the songs "Proud Lady" and "Meadowlark", I have a very different view of the musical. Let's get to the real points that changed my view. They are:
1) Pompom, the Baker's and Baker's wife's cat
2) "Proud Lady"
First, Pompom. Pompom serves a kind of symbolic literary purpose; she is there in the beginning of the musical with the Baker and his wife and, once Dominique enters the scene, runs away, is found stuck in a tree, runs away again, and returns once Genevieve leaves Dominique and comes back to the Baker.
After meeting Dominique, Pompom is nowhere to be found and, when Genevieve is with Dominique, she sees "a girl with a cat that looks just like Pompom"... at which point she sings "Where is the Warmth?" and, just like with the Baker earlier, get's up and runs away.
Regarding "Proud Lady", which is the song Dominique sings after meeting Genevieve, he betrays the real message of the musical:
I THINK ALL WOMEN SHOULD HAVE LOVE
AND ONE LIKE HER SHOULD HAVE... THE BEST!
THERE IS NO RULE OR LAW IN HEAVEN OR ON EARTH
THERE IS NO WAY TO STOP THIS FIRE ONCE IT STARTS
Anyway, you can easily see how Dominique is suddenly not the perfect match for Genevieve anymore. After actually hearing the lyrics, instead of just the spoken dialogue, it's painfully obvious that the musical does resolve its conflicts.
Instead of my previous idea (that Genevieve was discontent with her marriage, met a guy she liked, and was forced back into her first relationship out of religious guilt), I now see the musical for what it really is. Genevieve starts out in the "perfect marriage" (the "perfection" of which I disagree with) but takes it for granted and, after running off with Dominique, discovers what she really values in a man and returns to her original situation, now valuing it more than before.
So there, I officially change my mind. "The Baker's Wife" isn't riddled with misogyny like I thought it was.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
I see your Schwartz isn't as big as mine
As I'm sure only a few of you know, I'm actually a professional clarinetist now. Technically. Well... maybe not even technically; what I mean is that I'm getting paid to play the old licorice stick now, if only for two weekends.
When you go to see an opera or a musical and you see (or don't see) the orchestra underneath the stage, you are seeing (or not seeing) the pit musicians. I am one of those. Specifically, I'm playing the Reed III part, which means that I'm primarily doing clarinet, but occasionally using the flute and tenor saxophone as well.
I'm playing clarinet for Stephen Schwartz's "The Baker's Wife", which my college is performing and, pleasantly, paying me to perform as well.
CAUTION: SPOILERS!!!
If you plan on seeing "The Baker's Wife" and want to experience it without knowing the basic plot in advance, stop reading. I have an agenda writing about "The Baker's Wife", though, so you'll still want to read this even if you already know the plot or are simply disinterested in musicals.
Enter Spoiler:
On a very basic and skeletal level, the plot revolves around two people, Aimable (I've got a feeling the resemblance to "amiable" is intentional) and Genevieve, who are man and wife, respectively. Aimable is the baker; Genevieve, the baker's wife.
As the musical starts, they've only been married for a few months and had gotten married only a short while after knowing each other. Aimable is an older man and Genevieve is "half his age" or so, which creates the misconception that Aimable is Genevieve's father instead of husband.
Aimable is very contented with his wife, while Genevieve "never says 'I love you' back", though still gives the outward impression of being very happy and contented. It is this apparent discontentment that, to me, makes the musical seem unresolved in the end.
Anyway, then enters Dominique, the handsome, dashing, and young man who becomes very interested in Genevieve. In perhaps the most famous song of the musical, Genevieve sings the nightmarishly long song, "Meadowlark" (I say "nightmarishly" only because I'm playing the entire time, not because I have any grudge with the song itself), and comes to terms with the fact that she's actually attracted to Dominique, despite how hard she's been trying to pretend she wasn't.
Long story short, Genevieve ends up running off with Dominique, and Aimable takes it pretty hard.
After Genevieve leaves, Aimable runs through a mental list of where she could be, comically ignoring the possibility that she ran off with Dominique. It is this behavior, which Genevieve characterizes as "not understanding people", that she is so discontent with in Aimable.
The second act of the play is nothing but an "adultery is a sin and God forgives the repentant sinner" thing, which Christians no doubt get weepy about in the audience.
But why?
Admittedly, Genevieve's relationship with Dominique was characterized in all the bad ways possible, but Genevieve was obviously discontented with Aimable and only returned to him out of a sense of duty to God.
In my happy little world, Genevieve first files for divorce and THEN runs off with Dominique, while Aimable gets on with his life and maybe, just maybe, meets someone who's closer to his age and equally oblivious to the world. There's a happy ending that resolves the obvious discontentment that Genevieve had with Aimable, and even makes the more important moral lesson that, if a relationship isn't fulfilling to you, or is in some way damaging, you AREN'T STUCK THERE just because you got married.
But no. Schwartz decides to end his musical even more conflicted than the way it started: Now not only is Genevieve discontented with Aimable, but Aimable is now discontented with his adulterous wife.
What's the moral of the story? Women must stay true to their husbands whether or not they are satisfied with their relationship.
Thanks, Schwartz, you've made me even more conflicted on the value of marriage.
When you go to see an opera or a musical and you see (or don't see) the orchestra underneath the stage, you are seeing (or not seeing) the pit musicians. I am one of those. Specifically, I'm playing the Reed III part, which means that I'm primarily doing clarinet, but occasionally using the flute and tenor saxophone as well.
I'm playing clarinet for Stephen Schwartz's "The Baker's Wife", which my college is performing and, pleasantly, paying me to perform as well.
CAUTION: SPOILERS!!!
If you plan on seeing "The Baker's Wife" and want to experience it without knowing the basic plot in advance, stop reading. I have an agenda writing about "The Baker's Wife", though, so you'll still want to read this even if you already know the plot or are simply disinterested in musicals.
Enter Spoiler:
On a very basic and skeletal level, the plot revolves around two people, Aimable (I've got a feeling the resemblance to "amiable" is intentional) and Genevieve, who are man and wife, respectively. Aimable is the baker; Genevieve, the baker's wife.
As the musical starts, they've only been married for a few months and had gotten married only a short while after knowing each other. Aimable is an older man and Genevieve is "half his age" or so, which creates the misconception that Aimable is Genevieve's father instead of husband.
Aimable is very contented with his wife, while Genevieve "never says 'I love you' back", though still gives the outward impression of being very happy and contented. It is this apparent discontentment that, to me, makes the musical seem unresolved in the end.
Anyway, then enters Dominique, the handsome, dashing, and young man who becomes very interested in Genevieve. In perhaps the most famous song of the musical, Genevieve sings the nightmarishly long song, "Meadowlark" (I say "nightmarishly" only because I'm playing the entire time, not because I have any grudge with the song itself), and comes to terms with the fact that she's actually attracted to Dominique, despite how hard she's been trying to pretend she wasn't.
Long story short, Genevieve ends up running off with Dominique, and Aimable takes it pretty hard.
After Genevieve leaves, Aimable runs through a mental list of where she could be, comically ignoring the possibility that she ran off with Dominique. It is this behavior, which Genevieve characterizes as "not understanding people", that she is so discontent with in Aimable.
The second act of the play is nothing but an "adultery is a sin and God forgives the repentant sinner" thing, which Christians no doubt get weepy about in the audience.
But why?
Admittedly, Genevieve's relationship with Dominique was characterized in all the bad ways possible, but Genevieve was obviously discontented with Aimable and only returned to him out of a sense of duty to God.
In my happy little world, Genevieve first files for divorce and THEN runs off with Dominique, while Aimable gets on with his life and maybe, just maybe, meets someone who's closer to his age and equally oblivious to the world. There's a happy ending that resolves the obvious discontentment that Genevieve had with Aimable, and even makes the more important moral lesson that, if a relationship isn't fulfilling to you, or is in some way damaging, you AREN'T STUCK THERE just because you got married.
But no. Schwartz decides to end his musical even more conflicted than the way it started: Now not only is Genevieve discontented with Aimable, but Aimable is now discontented with his adulterous wife.
What's the moral of the story? Women must stay true to their husbands whether or not they are satisfied with their relationship.
Thanks, Schwartz, you've made me even more conflicted on the value of marriage.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Churching Adventures! Episode VII
We said we were going to do something big on Easter and we most definitely did. Driving for over an hour and a half, hoping desperately that MapQuest wouldn't fail us, my ex-CS friend and I arrive at our destination and I say, exactly:
No, there isn't a comma after "God", and intentionally so; those five words flew out of my mouth in one exclamation, without any kind of pause whatsoever. We rounded the corner and came face-to-face (err... face-to-building?) with the infamous Crystal Cathedral.
(That unpleasant black stuff on the bottom of the picture, by the way, isn't proof of the supposedly impending apocalyptic doom, it's just proof that I need to work harder to move the leather cover out of the way before I take a picture with my cell phone)
Anyway, I jogged down the parking lot to get a picture of a bigger shot of the church itself:
The inside of the Crystal Cathedral is actually mostly empty, except for the MOST EPIC ORGAN I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE and all the seating. After waiting in line (which is a bizarre experience to have before a church service), my friend and I sat down and proceeded to gawk at the MOST EPIC ORGAN I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
Anyway, once you enter and take your seat, this is what you see when you look straight forward:
If you think this organ is already the MOST EPIC THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE, then prepare to be even more amazed. When you look to the left and to the right:
Those wooden boxes actually have, like, bugles coming out of them... and they're connected to the organ. When you take a look at what's behind you, you can begin to see how supremely epic the Crystal Cathedral experience was:
Yes, it was like the whole building was a gigantic organ. It was ALL AROUND YOU. Combined with a full choir and a full orchestra, the Crystal Cathedral was an experience that was unparalleled.
Imagine having the best sound system money can buy, putting in some actually enjoyable music (I know, I was surprised by how much I enjoyed the music, too, especially after my other experiences with Christian music), and cranking the volume up. Now imagine that your imaginary sound system is a PIECE OF CRAP next to the awe-inspiring majesty of a full orchestra, choir, and FREAKING HUGE ORGAN all playing at once.
Seriously. They'd finish playing and I'd just sit there, eyes wide open and hair standing up on the back of my neck, wondering how the hell someone could just clap afterward. I understand applause after a moving or exhilarating piece, or maybe a technically demanding but flawlessly performed piece, but the bewildering epicness of that organ was just too amazing to clap for.
Anyway, let's review the Crystal Cathedral properly, shall we?
The Crystal Cathedral
Jesus Count: A lot less than I was expecting
Friendliness: Low
Size: OMG
Babies?: No
Length: 1 hour
Edginess: Oddly, low
Jesus Count
It was Easter, right? I should have heard nothing but "He is risen!" and other such things over and over and over again. Sure, they mentioned Jesus frequently, but while the sermon was Jesuscentric, the number of times He was mentioned was rather tame.
Friendliness
I've noticed that the bigger a church is, the less friendly they get. It was nice that they took the time, before the service began in full swing, to have all the members greet each other, so at least my ex-CS friend and I were welcomed by the people around us.
Size
Umm... I think "OMG" is a pretty good description. "Huge" and "Gigantic" kinda work, too.
Babies?
If there were babies, their tender flesh would have been ripped to shreds by the MOST EPIC ORGAN I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
Length
If they had gotten rid of the sermon and just played organ pieces forever, I'd likely have withered away and died from dehydration without even noticing I was thirsty.
Edginess
The actual sermon was disappointing. After the Baptists actually damned me to hell, all the sermons I've heard since have been mild, tame, and just plain spineless. Baptists get an A+ for being ballsy.
The pastor titled his sermon "Come-Alive Power!" and attempted to make the phrase some kind of invigorating battle cry. He was teaching about how amazing it was that Jesus was "alive" and created a nifty Backronym to teach us how to "come alive" ourselves:
A - Awareness
L - Love
I - Involved
V - Victory
E - Eternal Life
I thought at first the sermon was going to be thought provoking, intellectual, and philosophical, but it quickly proved to be none of them. Imagine my interest when the pastor says "how do we know we're alive?" and starts off with "A - Awareness. You must be aware of your surroundings in order to be alive".
I was like, "Dude! Maybe he'll answer the real ultimate question!"
I was still interested when he said "L - Love" because I figured it could apply to almost all forms of life on the planet, depending on how you defined "love". The pastor, though, explained "L - Love" exclusively with human parallels, even going so far as to say that "God is Love" and that we are proving God's existence just by our capacity to love.
Once he said "I - Involved", though, I couldn't help but lose interest; obviously the pastor wasn't interested in answering difficult philosophical and biological questions, but was instead giving a sermon blandly scorning apathy and promoting kindness. Sure, it's a good message, but so are "look both ways before you cross the street", "don't drink and drive", and "don't legislate hate".
"V - Victory" was about not just enduring through life's difficulties, but being "victorious". "E - Eternal Life" was about... do I even need to say? It was Easter, come on.
The thing is, by interspersing "Come-Alive Power!" into his sermon repeatedly, the pastor took his already mediocre sermon and figuratively kicked it while it was down, turning it into little more than an embarrassment. Following "L - Love", I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him.
... but I'd put up with unenlightened sermons for a week straight just to hear that organ again.
Conclusion
In conclusion, my experience with the Crystal Cathedral can be summed up in four points:
1) ZOMG ORGAN!!!!!!!!!!111
2) "Come-Alive Power!" is as invigorating as doing the dishes.
3) MOST EPIC ORGAN I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY WHOLE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!111
4) Gangsta Moses:
Upcoming Churching Adventures:
April 19th - St. Paul's Episcopal Church
April 26th - Community of Christ (RLDS)
Dear God that is amazing!
No, there isn't a comma after "God", and intentionally so; those five words flew out of my mouth in one exclamation, without any kind of pause whatsoever. We rounded the corner and came face-to-face (err... face-to-building?) with the infamous Crystal Cathedral.
(That unpleasant black stuff on the bottom of the picture, by the way, isn't proof of the supposedly impending apocalyptic doom, it's just proof that I need to work harder to move the leather cover out of the way before I take a picture with my cell phone)
Anyway, I jogged down the parking lot to get a picture of a bigger shot of the church itself:
The inside of the Crystal Cathedral is actually mostly empty, except for the MOST EPIC ORGAN I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE and all the seating. After waiting in line (which is a bizarre experience to have before a church service), my friend and I sat down and proceeded to gawk at the MOST EPIC ORGAN I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
Anyway, once you enter and take your seat, this is what you see when you look straight forward:
If you think this organ is already the MOST EPIC THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE, then prepare to be even more amazed. When you look to the left and to the right:
Those wooden boxes actually have, like, bugles coming out of them... and they're connected to the organ. When you take a look at what's behind you, you can begin to see how supremely epic the Crystal Cathedral experience was:
Yes, it was like the whole building was a gigantic organ. It was ALL AROUND YOU. Combined with a full choir and a full orchestra, the Crystal Cathedral was an experience that was unparalleled.
Imagine having the best sound system money can buy, putting in some actually enjoyable music (I know, I was surprised by how much I enjoyed the music, too, especially after my other experiences with Christian music), and cranking the volume up. Now imagine that your imaginary sound system is a PIECE OF CRAP next to the awe-inspiring majesty of a full orchestra, choir, and FREAKING HUGE ORGAN all playing at once.
Seriously. They'd finish playing and I'd just sit there, eyes wide open and hair standing up on the back of my neck, wondering how the hell someone could just clap afterward. I understand applause after a moving or exhilarating piece, or maybe a technically demanding but flawlessly performed piece, but the bewildering epicness of that organ was just too amazing to clap for.
Anyway, let's review the Crystal Cathedral properly, shall we?
The Crystal Cathedral
Jesus Count: A lot less than I was expecting
Friendliness: Low
Size: OMG
Babies?: No
Length: 1 hour
Edginess: Oddly, low
Jesus Count
It was Easter, right? I should have heard nothing but "He is risen!" and other such things over and over and over again. Sure, they mentioned Jesus frequently, but while the sermon was Jesuscentric, the number of times He was mentioned was rather tame.
Friendliness
I've noticed that the bigger a church is, the less friendly they get. It was nice that they took the time, before the service began in full swing, to have all the members greet each other, so at least my ex-CS friend and I were welcomed by the people around us.
Size
Umm... I think "OMG" is a pretty good description. "Huge" and "Gigantic" kinda work, too.
Babies?
If there were babies, their tender flesh would have been ripped to shreds by the MOST EPIC ORGAN I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
Length
If they had gotten rid of the sermon and just played organ pieces forever, I'd likely have withered away and died from dehydration without even noticing I was thirsty.
Edginess
The actual sermon was disappointing. After the Baptists actually damned me to hell, all the sermons I've heard since have been mild, tame, and just plain spineless. Baptists get an A+ for being ballsy.
The pastor titled his sermon "Come-Alive Power!" and attempted to make the phrase some kind of invigorating battle cry. He was teaching about how amazing it was that Jesus was "alive" and created a nifty Backronym to teach us how to "come alive" ourselves:
A - Awareness
L - Love
I - Involved
V - Victory
E - Eternal Life
I thought at first the sermon was going to be thought provoking, intellectual, and philosophical, but it quickly proved to be none of them. Imagine my interest when the pastor says "how do we know we're alive?" and starts off with "A - Awareness. You must be aware of your surroundings in order to be alive".
I was like, "Dude! Maybe he'll answer the real ultimate question!"
I was still interested when he said "L - Love" because I figured it could apply to almost all forms of life on the planet, depending on how you defined "love". The pastor, though, explained "L - Love" exclusively with human parallels, even going so far as to say that "God is Love" and that we are proving God's existence just by our capacity to love.
Once he said "I - Involved", though, I couldn't help but lose interest; obviously the pastor wasn't interested in answering difficult philosophical and biological questions, but was instead giving a sermon blandly scorning apathy and promoting kindness. Sure, it's a good message, but so are "look both ways before you cross the street", "don't drink and drive", and "don't legislate hate".
"V - Victory" was about not just enduring through life's difficulties, but being "victorious". "E - Eternal Life" was about... do I even need to say? It was Easter, come on.
The thing is, by interspersing "Come-Alive Power!" into his sermon repeatedly, the pastor took his already mediocre sermon and figuratively kicked it while it was down, turning it into little more than an embarrassment. Following "L - Love", I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him.
... but I'd put up with unenlightened sermons for a week straight just to hear that organ again.
Conclusion
In conclusion, my experience with the Crystal Cathedral can be summed up in four points:
1) ZOMG ORGAN!!!!!!!!!!111
2) "Come-Alive Power!" is as invigorating as doing the dishes.
3) MOST EPIC ORGAN I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY WHOLE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!111
4) Gangsta Moses:
Upcoming Churching Adventures:
April 19th - St. Paul's Episcopal Church
April 26th - Community of Christ (RLDS)
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Churching Adventures! Episode VI
My ex-CS friend and I first started our little churching escapades when I dragged him to my old church a couple months ago, about which he said:
"Dude, you guys are craaaazy! You've got all kinds of freaky rituals and there were SO MANY BABIES!!!"
Well, today I got to experience the same bizarre culture shock that he had visiting my church. That's right, we went to see the Christian Scientists.
Christian Science
Jesus Count: Moderate
Friendliness: Moderate
Size: Beyond Tiny
Babies?: No
Length: I think it was 1 hour
Edginess: Umm...
First things first, I had to ask what the name of his old religion was actually called. The Mormons, as probably none of you know, are actually Latter-day Saints, and they're members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints... not the Mormon Church.
So, in my naivete, I had to know whether or not he was actually a Modern Christian of Scientific Practice or, like, a practicing member of the Church of Contemporary Scientific Christian Understanding or something... but no, it's simply the Christian Science Church, and its members are Christian Scientists.
Personally, I find that they're neither Christian nor Scientist, but that's a discussion for another time.
The members were very friendly to me, but I'm guessing that my experience was colored by the fact that I was being accompanied by my Christian-Science-fluent friend. They'd greet him, and only then turn to me and say, "oh hi, I'm _____, nice to meet you."
The Christian Science church was founded by Mary Baker Eddy who, after suffering a major spinal injury, was miraculously "healed" and apparently learned how to heal others, or something. Give me a break for not knowing the whole story yet; you can't expect me to know everything about a religion just from one service.
Anyway, the service was primarily a kind of dialogue between the First Reader and the Second Reader (my ex-CS friend told me that's what they were called) who were, predictably, alternating reading the lesson material to all the members
The First Reader (whose voice, in both timbre and inflection, reminded me of the "please fasten your lap bar and stow your personal belongings" voice you hear at most theme parks) would read several passages from Mary Baker Eddy's "Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures", after which the Second Reader (whose voice was the perfect grandmotherly "here, dearie, would you like some cookies?" voice) would read a selection of verses from the Bible and comically pronounced "Jesus" with the EXACT SAME pitch, voice inflection, and pause before and after.
When they talked, they would separate and enunciate every word, making them sound uncannily like the Books on Tape I'd listen to back in fifth grade. My ex-CS friend called this the "CS accent".
Jesus Count
Yes, they talked about Jesus, but it wasn't the same Jesus the Baptists talk about. Christian Scientists take the Bible for a New Age thrill ride and end up with a religion so bizarrely mind-boggling that you can't even recognize it anymore.
So yes, they said "Jesus" fairly often, but most definitely wasn't the Jesus I learned about in Sunday School.
Friendliness
They were indeed friendly, though my ex-CS friend was almost exclusively the target of their friendliness. Evidently the Christian Scientists aren't the proselytizing types.
Size
I think even "tiny" is too big a word to describe the congregation. I swear there were only, like, twenty people in the chapel during the service, the chapel itself being very very small.
Babies?
None at all. The average person was around forty-five years old or so, with a few people older and, like, four people younger... two of which were me and my ex-CS friend.
Length - Edginess
I think it was only an hour, but I'm not certain of it. The service was very affecting, but not in the way they intended, I'm sure. All I could really say afterward, for a good minute or two, was:
"Oh my God, that was some craaaaaazy shit back there"
Now, I'm normally one to use words a little more sophisticated than "shit", but I simply couldn't find a word that better conveyed how blown-away my mind had just been. The Christian Scientists hold as their central belief something so radically different from what the other churches have to offer.
Dualism is the philosophic belief that the Mind (consciousness, awareness, "soul", etc.) is separate from the body and either spiritual or in some other way immaterial, contrasted by the obviously physical and material Body. When I think, what's doing the thinking? Is our Mind simply a bunch of biological reactions in the brain, or are we a Spirit or a Soul, tethered to the world by the physically and demanding Body?
We're a bunch of biological reactions in the brain, by the way, if you're wondering what the correct answer is.
Christian Scientists, however, are VERY different in their approach to the issue. In the "Mind vs. Matter" argument, they take a third side I hadn't seriously considered since watching The Matrix. Says Mary Baker Eddy:
There is no life, truth, intelligence, nor substance in matter.
All is infinite Mind and its infinite manifestation, for God is All-in-all.
Spirit is immortal Truth; matter is mortal error.
Spirit is the real and eternal; matter is the unreal and temporal.
Spirit is God, and man is His image and likeness.
Therefore man is not material; he is spiritual.
Christian Scientists believe that the Mind is the only thing that is real, while the material world is unsubstantial, immaterial, unreal, and temporal.
But what the hell does that mean?!
If I was a devout Christian Scientist, how would I inevitably live my life? Would I concern myself with relationships? Would I go hiking? Would I eat food? How does one act, knowing that the ultimate goal in life is to forsake the material world in pursuit of the spiritual Truth?
I have no idea whatsoever, but I intend to find out. I've borrowed Mary Baker Eddy's "Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures" from my ex-CS friend (he had several lying around his house) with every intent to read all 700 pages of it.
Conclusion
You can expect to see more about Christian Science in the future, but I've got quite a bit of reading to do before then.
Upcoming Churching Adventures:
April 12th - Easter (we're planning something big!)
April 19th - St. Paul's Episcopal Church
April 26th - Community of Christ (RLDS)
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